Being alone in my home most of the time, doesn't bring me happiness. Loneliness had swallow me up, and made me depressed. When I was in High School and University, I was happy always being alone. Right now, it just makes me depressed.

I had gone out with guys, it makes me uncomfortable or I just simply don't like it. It's like forcing myself. I wonder how can one human being can change me drastically? Those who knows me, knows what I'm talking about, specially the person himself. Which probably doesn't care about anyone only himself. The worst people are those who tells you one thing, but in reality they are actually a completely other person. It only been three months and two weeks. Yet, there's still a huge void. 

As many people had told me, I just don't have any malice, the reason why I get hurt easily and suffer more than others who does have malice. 

Never in my life I had felt so lost. I been crying for whole year now. My dreams where shattered into pieces. I'm still in the journey of learning how to love myself. To be sincere, I don't even know why I cry most of the time.

I got a job going to my very first interview, which its a blessing. I work for an amazing company with amazing colleagues. I'm truly grateful. Yet I'm not happy, I don't feel it's my calling, but I need a job in order to survive. I have few people who really cares about me, which I'm grateful. The path of adulthood it's not easy as it sounds, specially if you had been avoiding it your whole life, which is bad. It was better to take it little by little and for avoiding I took it all at once. I'm grateful that I don't have children, because I'm not ready for that, and I don't want a child being under these conditions. 

I used to be up high. I cared about being on the latest trend. I used to be very greedy. Still I'm when comes to spending money, because I don't want to spend money. Money doesn't brings me happiness, but does give me a house where I can be save in and food. I used to wear a lot of makeup, but now I only use it for dark circles to avoid people worrying about my health. I used to play video games a lot, and now I don't seem to care about it anymore. I thought of myself as miss know it all, and now I know nothing about life, and I admit I was wrong. I used to care about my appearance a lot, and now don't care how I look like, because it won't change who I am as a person. If I got a change to tell the young past self one thing, that would be to please enjoy your youth to the fullest, and don't wait to make your dreams, do it now in your present. Also to do internships and participate more in activities, just celebrate life. My dream as a child besides going to Japan is to never grow up and always be happy.

I have many and many regrets, without those regrets I wouldn't be the person who I am now, still struggling. At a point you start wondering, if it wasn't for those regrets would I be happy now or still be struggling with myself? I do know this, the youth have more power than they can even imagine. I had that power, and didn't took advantage of it. For example; Kids can learn a language ten times faster than an average adult. To be sincere, children can be more wiser than an adult, also depends the type of puberty phrase they go through when teens. When you were a child I believe we were our own super heroes, for not having fears, not letting reality hold us back, not worry about jobs and paying bills. Being a child is a blessing and extraordinary amazing.


To be continue....



Sorry I lost inspiration, because I feel normal now. Will update if it returns.

Thank you for taking your time reading this.

Love Sharly